Waiting For The World To Change

Listening to this song by John Mayer earlier today (in fact, been listening to it a lot this week) and it reminded me a lot of a few of the bloggers that I follow. It just led me to thinking about how much my world has changed in recent years. It's still not perfect and even this week, I turned down the chance to attend my work company function because the social side of it simply makes me too anxious.

But still, my life has changed.



I hope your life changes soon, too.

Ever Had One Of Those Days?

Too tired to blog after an exhausting day at work. I just wanted to put this blog here as a reminder, more to myself than anyone else, that sometimes, when you're dreading something, it can be a success. Today was supposed to be full on at work. Complete mayhem where I wasn't sure whether I could handle it or not.

Not only did I handle it, I did it with flying colours. I was rushed off my feet from the second I stepped into the office until the moment I came home. And I loved it.

I had been dreading the day. It didn't cause me as much stress as it might've created even six weeks ago. But still, I did it! I'm very proud of myself. And, as hopefully the cute illustration will show, more than a little tired too.

Pot Of Gold

Today has been a strange day. Mrs Paussie has gone to the town next door (about an hour away) to do some shopping with her mum and sister. I knew this was happening a few days ago. It has caused me absolutely zero anxiety whatsoever. I remember previously that it would've filled me with dread and my mind would've been racing at the idea that I would have to spend all day alone because something 'bad' might happen.

The one thing that did worry me about today was going to get myself some lunch. I had agreed with Mrs Paussie that I would buy myself some lunch from the local takeaway. This stressed me out. The old anticipatory thing of saying the wrong thing, forgetting what I want, them asking me a question I don't understand... just, general social anxiety.

I worried about this all morning. Not in a heightened state of stress or anything. It was just right 'there'. At he back of mind, always ready to explode if I thought about it too much. Thankfully, I'm at the point where I can live with a certain amount of anxiety and if it's below a certain point, I simply choose to ignore it. This is what I did today. I know that anxiety is getting out of control when my stomach knots up... this is when I need to pro-actively do something about it. Today, it never reached that point.

When I got hungry enough, I simply picked up my keys, picked up my phone and drove to the shop. I walked in and ordered. I paid. I waited five minutes. I picked up my lunch. I walked back to the car. I drove home. I ate my lunch. All very successful - as I knew it would be. The anxiety didn't bother me especially although I wish I had tried my techniques that may have possibly gotten rid of it altogether.

It's been weird. I've really enjoyed the chance to spend some time on my own. I've gotten a lot of things done. I wrote an article for a friend's blog, I've organised all 500 photo's on my Flickr account and I've made one or two changes to this blog. As well as watching Max TV's top 20 rock songs of the 90's. All in all, it's been a really productive day. Especially since, at the beginning, my plan was simply to play games all day.

I'm getting a bit antsy now because I've been on the PC all day. What I really want is to go for a walk. But oddly, I think that's a step too far for me at the moment. Maybe I'll go and sit on the hammock outside for a while. Some fresh air and a swing may be just what I need. Me, fresh air, the sound of crashing waves and decaf coffee (which, by the way, has made quite a difference to my anxiety levels, I've noticed.)

After such a successful day, I just wanted to share. Especially since I've gotten my Flickr account completely up to date and feel like that was a big task that I'd been putting off for ages.

As you can tell, I feel like I've found the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow today.

Blog On

In order to keep my promise to myself to keep on blogging, I took my camera out with me yesterday and planned to do a 'This was my weekend' in pictures. However, that requires me to upload photo's to Flickr and I haven't really had the time. Bum.

I have a day off tomorrow, I'll try and get around to it then. For now, I'll just share some photo's of a repeating theme from yesterday's ultra-successful family BBQ - birds. They invaded the deck regularly although always kept a respectful distance from the food although got close enough to enable us all to have a quick poke and stroke.

In true Blue Peter style, here's some I took earlier:









Lorikeets, Rosellas, Seagulls and Galahs coming soon!

Standing Tall

Anxiety has been reduced. I'm enjoying my life. It's not gone. It'll never be gone. But I'm being more positive about things. I'm learning how to not freak out. My therapist has shown me how to be okay with what's happening. She's shown me how to deal with the physical problem of anxiety and not just the all consuming thoughts that invade the mind. It's pretty empowering stuff.

I haven't really stopped blogging because I've started living a life or anything. I haven't been reading blogs as much either. Not entirely sure why since, when I made the effort to catch up tonight, I enjoyed reading. I wish some of my blogging friends were in better shape but over the weeks, I've felt like I've sort of fallen out of touch with people who I feel a special sort of connection with.

I still get anxious. I get anxious most days. But I think I've worked out that it's generalised and not necessarily about what has happened to me. Sure, past experience has shaped me but I've come to the conclusion that this is the way I am and that I need to accept it. It hasn't been hard once I'd made the leap and got positive reinforcement from someone who shared my ideals that CBT and changing thoughts are pointless if the physical problems remain. I verbalised this to my therapist and she agreed and explained to me how our body and mind work - it was interesting, informative and useful stuff.

Because of that, these days, when I'm presented with a challenge, I tell myself that I'm making a choice. Sometimes I choose to let the anxiety remain and because I'm so used to feeling it, I'll be fine with it just being there. However, when it creeps up, I'll know that I have to do something about it and pro-actively fight it. I'm learning how to do that. Before, it was difficult and I had to focus 100% on it and I couldn't do anything else - but now, I can do other things whilst training my mind and body to relax and not see so many threats.

It's nearly 10 PM, I'm going to bed. I just wanted to speak to the one or two people who may pass by here from time to time wondering how I am. I'm fine. I'm getting better. I should update more. I like blogging. Even if I don't write particularly well, plan what I'm going to write or state exactly what I'm thinking in my mind.

Night-night.